limalemon

Well, hello. This is my first entry ever. MAybe the last. I just think that people who have or think that have a life on the internet are so pathetic. Call me ignorant, but all I see is pathetic. Well, so redundant, heh?

That is my dilemma. I have a wonderful boyfriend that loves me and I love him, he's everything I have ever wished and more, and he's the person I know I will marry. We actually talk about it everyday. The problem is... I don't feel loved by my family. I feel like I'm a financial burden, even though I barely ask anything for myself, except maybe, things I need for college. I seek a job desperately, and college starts on August 7, doubt anybody will hire me just for merely three weeks of work, even though I aspire a fast food joint job. No one ever syas I'm great in things I do. I never get praised for my grades, or my achievements, I guess I have to play dumb now... I am never told that I'm loved. I think deep down I am loved, but still. I hate the way my mother never wants to lose an argument. If I cry, it's like a sin to her. If I tell her she's in a mistake, she'll just point my mistakes. It's horrible. My father always says that he's the only one that works, and I don;t want him to think I am useless like he thinks my mother is. I want to be independent, pretty, and confident. Something I have never felt. I wish with all my heart to be confident. I even feel stupid handing out my resume to people in the mall. It gets worse if they just shove it into a drawer and say thank you without making eye contact. I feel so crappy. I look crappy. I dont have money. I envy absolutely everyone. Because it seems like everybody else's life is so much better than mine. I wish to cut my arm sometimes, so that someone gives a damn, but that's too dramatic. I want to break free from everything. Even our religion. It's such a burden to go to church every Sunday. The people there irritate me... this might seem unusual, but I don't like the lack of Christianity in that church. I want to be more Christian in another. I'm tired and it wears me out spiritually.